The Suck Up Slur
Salutations, (insert teacher's name here)! You are appearing exceedingly omnipotent in contributory to your vivacious and robust constitution which permits you to enlighten our juvenile intellects to the apex of each and every interval of our lives with no consideration on how arduous the task conceivably may be, and I'm not simply asserting this to absorb up to you!

"What did he die of, irrelevancy?"
[LINK]

"So, there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having buttsex with a fish-squirrel, congratulations!"
[Mr. Garrison || Southpark]

"To-go would be weird.. wouldn't it?"
"Well... you're the one talking to your freezer..."
[random ice cream commercial]

"I thought I met all your friend."
[Cuddy || House]

"We have to live with the things we do to get back at people."
Not funny, but still good. [Mike]

"Well isn't this a nice shade of bitch?!"
[Raineesha || Reno 911]

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
[Drew Carey]

"Apparently that little kid raped his sister to death."
[Dangle || Reno 911]

"If you shoot at the queen, you better kill her."
[Reggie || Becker]

Driver to blind man in the middle of the road: Hey! What are you, blind?
Blind man struggling: YES!!!
[Becker]

"Marriage is a giant scorecard."
[ Jim || According to Jim]

- What is the toaster oven doing in the shower?
- Getting ready for work?
[Bill || Still Standing]

When your mind gets crazy, your pee pee gets lazy
When your psyche gets iffy, you can't get a stiffy
[Rose || 2 1/2 Men]

Well, thank you. They came with the face. (I like your eyes)
[Monk]

Oh you mean "How to Tell Your Best Friend's a Bitch"? I already took it, you are.
[Jack || Will&Grace]

The BigA
I like penguins, too!!! Anyway... (after Rachel and I got completely off-track of the original conversation)
[Eldonna || Anderson Music]

Muck that gall darn shoot!
[Tony || Anderson Music]

I'll know you in the future because I've met you in the past.
[Phil || Anderson Music]

- If I were a girl, I'd totally be a whore, I'd get plowed every day.
[pause]
- Oh, you mean physically...
[Chris & Chris || Anderson Music]

Spencer: [walking down the hall mumbling to self]
Randy: Having a bad day, Spencer?
Spencer: I'm having a bad LIFE!


Ronisms
Customer: What are your hours?
Ron: Long and tedious.

Customer: What was your name, again?
Ron: My name was, and still is, Ron.

- Maximoo Tilicus!

- He probably thought it was a teabag for a vampire.

- I just raised my hand and asked, "So... How much are we getting paid, here?" And then, would you believe it, he starts going on about how "Simplicity is Complex". So, I leaned over to my buddy and said "You know what? I quit."

- Just remember... [faux English accent] Simplicity is Complex

- At least we won't have Megatwit this year. No... Make that PlugerPussy. Just think about it... We could get her wet and stick her to the wall.

- Why don't you take the next few days off and get out of bed.